straight edge, grenadine, depressed

BOSTON– Regional straight edger Alana Enders’anxiety ostensibly reached a new low when she told the bartender at White Equine Tavern to “leave the bottle” of grenadine, onlookers confirmed.

“This typically happens to me in the dead of winter, yet this year feels specifically hard,” described Enders that likewise pled bar personnel for soda fountain weapon benefits. “Dating has actually been harsh, and also there aren’t way too many jobs for straight side style bloggers. It’s all so grim. So I simply sit below at the regional bar as well as crush Shirley Forehead till I can feel my pancreas begin to pain. Today I decided to skip the procedure of ordering and made them allow me put my very own. Fuck …”

Longtime bartender Sven Hagstrom admitted that this was one of the most useless scene presented by a straight side client in years.

“Normally these weirdo depressing sacks come in wearing a Scourge hoodie or some crap like that as well as barely order anything,” explained a visibly disappointed Hagstrom. “But I absolutely assumed Alana will damage side tonight. And as much as I like providing innovative absinthe-based drinks, I do not intend to enable her downward spiral. However now I have no concept exactly how much to charge her– there’s no choice in our cashier system for an entire bottle of our cranberry-infused grenadine.”

Various other clients shared rate of interest in flirting with Enders, yet backpedaled upon learning of her teetotaling methods.

“Look, I don’t mind in any way that she is straight edge, a few of my friends were straight side in high institution,” confessed Boston College pupil Stewart Marcus. “Yet this is Boston, not Capital. When someone just posts up in a bar drinking Perrier or pop all evening, it kinda bums every person out. I then seem like a degenerate putting away my third Irish Vehicle Bomb of the evening.”

“I recognize that cafe surround 8 p.m. yet I wish they would certainly locate one more area to sympathize,” objected Marcus. “Isn’t the collection open in the evening? Go there. Or how about a nice gas terminal?”

Friends and liked ones are fretted about Enders’ ongoing decrease, as reports swirled that she lately bought a container of Jack Daniels’ Bbq Sauce.

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