RIVER RANCH, LA – The upper-upper-upper class subdivision of River Ranch was on high alert today, after receiving intel direct from the Facebook Events pages that ANTIFA is planning a weekend takeover of the area.
Residents have been testing that their panic rooms and underground bunkers are still operational since they were last used during the martial law incident of 2019 when the Target registers were down for half a day.
The takeover is slated for this Saturday at 4:20pm when the green moon is at its highest point, and according to the Facebook event it will be well attended. Snacks and drinks will be served for the duration.
LCG today declared the event as a “threat to life and property” with Mayor Guillory stating that “even though they can be pretentious little assholes, they’re our pretentious little assholes and we will protect River Ranch at all costs.”
This has prompted the subdivisions local officials to deploy their never-before-used Mad Max-style golf carts, built earlier this year and declared only to be used in extreme situations.
The fleet of 20 carts come armed with weaponry, bulletproof metal-plating and battle flags. One even comes equipped with a “battle accordion” that shoots flames out of the front of it.
“We don’t want to hurt anyone, but we will have no issues with driving one of these carts at someone should they threaten us”, explained local official Carol Hamilton. “Unlike our regular River Ranch golf carts that have a top speed of 12mph, these battle carts can reach 15mph and are very intimidating.
We will do whatever we need to do to protect our gazebos, our Ralph Lauren polo shirts, our espresso machines and our White Claw. If ANTIFA think they can just stroll on into River Ranch and undertake despicable acts such as pouring Dawn into the Main Street fountain then they have another thing coming.”
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