U.S.—A recent survey revealed that a majority of Americans are ready to get back to work. Even when asked if they realize that getting everybody back to work right now could increase deaths from COVID-19, most responded that they were willing to die if that’s what it took to end the nightly parade of self-important late show hosts scolding them all for needing money from the comfort of their fancy homes getting paid millions to shame-Skype America. 

“It’s like when you accidentally FaceTime someone you really did not want to talk to. That’s what TV is like now,” said one participant in the survey who then begged for the COVID-19 virus to release him from another webcam Trevor Noah monologue. 

Late show hosts are pushing for a longer quarantine period citing their preference to talk down to America on a laptop camera while wearing pajamas, not having to be around all the gross people who show up in live audiences and receiving the same sweet paycheck every week.

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Many of you told us you wouldn’t subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren’t bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God’s invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

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