NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity, Americans across the country told reporters Monday that they were feeling hopeful for a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up. “I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit song about voting,” said Janice Caesar, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who expressed wishes to scroll through their social media feeds without seeing celebrities replying to Donald Trump’s tweets with some asinine bullshit. “I envision a new America, one where I never hear that Kristen Bell and Lin-Manuel Miranda teamed up for a video. One where ’80s sitcom stars don’t reunite to get out of the vote. Maybe we’ll finally reach a point where they put a goddamn sock in it for once.” At press time, the nation praised a new photograph of Zendaya and Woody Harrelson on a film set as a genuine sign of progress.
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