Prince Andrew is threatening large swathes of Europe with nonce-based material after his sweat glands failed yet again to perform their crucial role.
As temperatures rocketed above thirty degrees Celsius, fears arose that the Queen’s second son was ill-equipped to withstand the heatwave and could blow his load over an area as large as Belarus and Lower Saxony combined.
It is understood that Her Majesty the Queen has contacted a team of surly Chernobyl engineers, renowned for their gruffness and expertise in water-based cooling systems, in the hope that they can keep her errant son well-hydrated and less likely to lose his shit with photographers.
Meanwhile, the soaring mercury has meant the Prince has had to cancel a planned feast at a newly-reopened, local branch of Pizza Express, or else consider eating the food outside, near a school.
Ukrainian Nuclear Engineer, Sergei Willyamski, who has over twenty years of experience in this sort of thing, said, “Cooling system of Chernobyl plant is very adaptable to suspected British paedophiles with many question to answer and dead friend no longer in telephone directory.
“We study photograph of Prince with arm around young girl’s waist to prepare dimensions of irrigation pipeline to sweat ducts, which we insulate with radioactive isotope of Polonium 90.
“Don’t worry – is safe as houses.”
He added, “I wish you lot now please fuck off. As well as Prince Andrew job, I have to run test on old sixties-style reactor and my newly-promoted, stickler boss Yuri is away on short fact-finding tour of Salisbury.”